Self Care Malfunction

Have you ever had something that you knew you needed to do so much you even secretly wanted to do it but you protested doing it for some reason until someone else “made” you do it?

This past December I went to the dentist for the first time in over seven years.  Many people suggested I do it years ago.  But I protested, avoided, and, towards the end, covered my face with my hands and groaned when anyone mentioned teeth.  I knew I would never go until I got married.  Only when my tooth decay would be someone else’s problem could I bring myself to take care of it.  Thankfully, the military offers dependents great insurance!

Prior to this December, the thought of going had haunted me regularly– daily almost– until the dread became far worse than going would be and I knew it.  Still I resisted to the point where it became funny.  I knew I would wind of laughing at myself when it was all over.  I thought I could post about this, even before I went.  The post would be about how things are so much worse than you think they are going to be or something like that.  And it’s true– I had some cavities but they were minor and the whole thing was taken care of with little to-do.

But what I wound up getting stuck on was WHY did it take me so long to go?!  I mean, skipping one or two bi-annual appointments seems normal to me.  But we are talking years of knowing I needed to go, having the insurance to go, and then still not going.  What is up with that?

Why do we sometimes resist caring for ourselves, almost relish taking bad care of ourselves?  I can’t suggest why others do it, but here’s why I think I did…

When I was working in Baltimore, I started out as a teaching resident, working for my degree at the same time I was working in a high needs school.  I learned to operate my life in a state of “crisis”.  Part of this was necessary, in that I faced some challenges that were difficult to handle AND I was also insanely busy.  But part of this was a learned behavior.  I worked at a high needs school but I certainly could have taken a half day off to go to the dentist.  Or, at the very minimum, I could have scheduled an appointment over winter break.  I just didn’t.  I think that I made “not having time to take care of myself” something to be proud of.  I was such a good teacher, I was having such an important impact, I had to make sacrifices.  I mean– I really DID have to make sacrifices– I’m just not sure that was a necessary one.  It was almost as if having time to make dental appointments (doctors appointments, hair appointments…) meant I would not be working as hard as I should be.  It would mean I was not dedicated.

What happened was that, in many ways, I got so used to not taking care of myself that I stopped knowing how to.  When I finished my degree and found time to breath, I didn’t know how to use my health insurance and it seemed too late to figure it out.  This happened in many ways, this is just the one we’re talking about now.  It’s taken the later part of my twenties to learn how to not operate in crisis mode.

I think what I’ve learned is this.  Working hard and making sacrifices for things that are important to me are good and, I hope, a forever part of my life.  However, my default should not be to never take care of myself.  I shouldn’t judge my success by how little self care I practice.  These things don’t make me a better person, a more devout Christian, or even more effective as a teacher or a follower of Christ.

They just result in five cavities and lost sleep over nightmares of the dentist’s chair.

Week in Review

Hello, family and friends!

This year I decided to steal an idea from Rachel at Atwell Adventures and do a “Five for Friday” post. Only problem is, yesterday was gonna be my first one and I didn’t have time to do it!  So, instead, I bring you “Week in Review”, a, hopefully, weekly report on the Hwangs in Nebraska.

1. Last Saturday, we visited the Omaha Auto Show.  It was my first ever auto show.  The best part was that we got to sit in the Mercedes Lancer Evolution 10- the newer version of the sports car Sung owned when he was a young airman.  The car I have heard so many stories about.  The car that, whenever we see it (well– when Sung sees it since I never notice it on my own) he says wistfully “Evo…..” and looks off into the distance.  Yeah.  It was good to finally experience the car for myself.

2. We spent hours last Sunday trying to finish our homework before our second Perspectives class.  So far, the reading is kicking our butts!

3. It was pajama day in Pre-K.  I may or may not have worn my pikachu Christmas pajamas….

4. All of the Chinese students I tutor (except one very diligent little girl who happens to be my favorite) celebrated the Lunar New Year by taking two weeks off which means extra sleep for me!  Sung and I celebrated by eating soup and watching Chingoo.  I would highly recommend all three of these things (more sleep, Sung’s homemade soup, and this film)

5. We had a good bye party for one of my students yesterday.  He is going to be out for over a month for very serious brain surgery.  Keep him in your prayers if you think of it.

6. Sung and I celebrate five months of marriage today!  I made this recipe for breakfast.

That’s it for this week!  Hope to be back on this blog more in 2014.  I’m getting pretty darn self-reflective as I approach 30!!  😀

14 for 2014

This is not a list of goals but just a few little blurbs because I have been so bad at updating this thing recently!  I have started so many entries in my mind and they were all really good but never made it to the page haha.  I realized that, while I always want to write super-profound stuff on here, many folks back home would probably just enjoy knowing how the heck we are doing.  So here’s how we are doing….

1.  We cut down our first Christmas tree.

 

   

2. We started experiencing some Nebraska winter but we have had less snow than any of you states on the East Coast.  

3. We went to the Medical Group’s Christmas party.  It was at an aquarium.  Sung danced in front of hundreds of people and won a prize.  I am not even lying. 

4. Sung won a Christmas sweater contest.

 

5. We ran the “Holiday Hustle”, my first 5K.

6. We celebrated our first Christmas together by opening gifts, making Peking duck, and watching Sung’s favorite holiday movie, Die Hard.

 
7. Sung turned 27.  He is still younger than me.  We ate sushi out and cooked Korean food at home.  I got him a helicopter.

8. We celebrated New Year’s with Sung’s work friends.

9. We drove to Tennessee for a wedding and drove home in a blizzard.

10. I started a new job.

11. Sung and I started taking an amazing and mind-blowing course on the Bible and missions, called Perspectives,  http://www.perspectives.org/

12.  Sung started applying to schools for this fall!!

13. Sung started making iced green tea.

14. I joined Instagram @margotannehwang.  Oliver now has his own special feed, #oliverhwang

I’ll try to update more frequently!  We miss and love everyone back home.  Also– guess what?!?!  I turn 30 one month from today!!!!!

Romance

When Sung visited me in Baltimore this past spring, I planned a really fun and special evening for us.  We looked forward to it for weeks.  It was dinner at a great restaurant (Baltimoreans can probably guess, Woodberry Kitchen, ultimate date spot) and then a show at Center Stage.  We got really (over) dressed up and headed out for a night on the town.

At dinner, even though we had a reservation, they stuck us in the worst possible seat, by the drink refilling station and the stairs.  All throughout dinner, the wait staff was  loudly flirting with each other while refilling water pitchers and Sung and I could barely hear each other talk, let alone whisper sweet nothings.  The food was great and we enjoyed it but it was not very….romantic.  The play we saw (based on the tragically broken lives of several middle aged stewardesses) left us feeling kind of down.  In all, it was not at all what I had planned.

I’m pretty sure the most romantic moment of that whole trip for me was shopping at H-Mart (the Asian grocery store).  We laughed as Sung taught me all about Korean food and culture and it was fun to plan the meals for the days ahead.  I realized I could spend my life with someone who made grocery shopping romantic.  It is much better to have romance be part of the normal parts of life and not the extra special unusual parts of life– we spend so much more time in the normal parts of life.

I think the appreciation of romance in the ways that they don’t show on TV has really helped me get more enjoyment out of my relationship.  I have noticed that I do not NATURALLY appreciate the things that Sung does for me that are an outpouring of his love– the little ways he denies himself to make my life better or easier.  I am keen to notice the things that I would think to do (doing the dishes or bringing me flowers) but I have had to train myself to notice the things he does that I don’t even realize are costing him something.  He gives of himself so much each day for me and when I don’t notice, I miss an opportunity to say thank you and also an opportunity to realize just how freaking lucky I am.  I miss the opportunity to feel his love.

Which is why I thought I’d tell you about one of the most romantic things Sung did this year.  This year, he drove to Belgium to buy me chocolates for Valentine’s Day, proposed twice and bought me two engagement rings, recorded multiple love song covers for me, brought me flowers, and took me on fancy dates.  But this weekend he did something even sweeter.  After weeks of talking about buying the new Play Station 4, scoping it out in every store (they are sold out everywhere), and scheming about how to get one, he surprised me by getting a Wii instead.  The reason is that he plays Playstation by himself– the games he likes are one player and require hours of play time.  He bought the Wii because it was something we could enjoy doing together.

So far, we really have.  Thank you, honey!

Home Sweet Home

Well, since we’ve been here for over two months and are finally “settled in” I thought I’d take you on a virtual tour.  Let’s start with the front entrance….

Ok, just kidding.  This painting was a wedding present from Jackie and Gints.  Anyway, here is our living area (living room, dining room, kitchen are kind of all together).

     

  

    

  

We have a balcony and I’ve enjoyed watching the trees change color from this window this fall.  (Leaves not pictured 😦 )

  

Next, I’ll show you the lovely guest bathroom and office which quickly converts into a guest room with our very nice air mattress!  Could this be your next vacation spot?!?

      

Finally, I’ll show you our bedroom.  People who have lived with me may not recognize it without the clothes all over the floor.  I have actually REALLY improved in this area but, I should probably admit my parents were coming to visit just before these photos were taken.

         

As you can see, we are putting our wedding gifts to good use.  Thanks everybody!  All my love as we head into this upcoming Thanksgiving week!  ❤ ❤

Oliver and Sung: A Love Story

Last night, I left the boys home alone and went out to a military spouse event.  I wound up in a conversation with two other women, both who brought cats into their relationship.  Everyone said that their husband wasn’t a cat person, yet they always caught him cuddled up with or talking baby talk to their cats.  It took me on a trip down memory lane….

I met Oliver and Sung on the same exact day.  It’s true.  I adopted Oliver because he had short hair and my roommate was allergic to cats.

I responded to Sung’s email because I was looking for a boyfriend with a beard and this is what he was wearing in his profile picture….

Sung got acquainted with Oliver over Skype.  I knew he was a keeper when I had to leave the room for a second and I put the phone in front of Oliver.  I returned to hear Sung “meowing” at the cat trying to get him to talk back.  However, I didn’t know if Oliver was going to be a keeper.  I was really falling for Sung and he had cat allergies….

Several months into our relationship, Sung announced that he was inspired to get a cat of his own so he was going to start taking allergy shots.  The process is a bit grueling and, as the dosage increases, the shots become more and more painful.  When we got engaged I realized that by “a cat of his own” Sung meant MY cat.

I have been replaced.  Oliver always chooses to sit either between me and Sung or on Sung’s side of the couch or bed.  And you know what? I couldn’t be happier about it 😀

Yesterday, Oliver was very badly behaved during the day and I told Sung when he got home.  He told me he would take care of it during his “quality time” with Oliver while I was gone.  But I returned to discover he spend the evening playing video games while Oliver napped in his usual spot, right beside Sung, on the couch.

Gratitude

About a month ago Sung and I heard a sermon at our church about giving.  As in cash.  To the church.  And it was not even a remotely irritating message.  One thing the pastor said really stuck out to me and I have been turning it over in my head ever since.  He said, “If your giver is broken it is because your receiver is broken.”  He started describing a person who is stingy with giving to others and explained that that person may have the real problem when it came to accepting from others.  I knew he was talking about me.

I am frequently “frugal” when giving gifts but often just lazy or even this word the pastor used– stingy.  I didn’t think of it that way until he said it but it’s true.   With others, with myself, I really don’t like spending money.   I thought it was because I was “non-materialistic” but after further examination, I’m not so sure.  If there is someone panhandling I feel no guilt whatsoever about passing them by because “giving them money isn’t the best way to help” even though I am not actively finding a better way to help.

Sung, on the other hand, is extremely generous.  He usually gives food or money to people we see on the street.  He doesn’t worry so much about spending money on things because he is responsible about paying his bills and he does not tight-fist his income.  This used to bother me until I saw the one who really struggled with money was me, not him.  Emotionally, it is difficult for me to spend money.  Little did I know my tight-fist may be a result of my response to receiving.

I first noticed this problem with my “receiver” last year when I didn’t let my mom buy me a new coat for Christmas.  Yup, you heard correctly.  I told her she couldn’t do it, that I didn’t want it.  It took me two months to realize it was WRONG to tell someone, especially your mother, that they couldn’t be generous towards you in the way their heart was moved to be.  I apologized.

Then things started getting serious with Sung and I was tested in my newfound conviction that accepting gifts was important.  First, he bought me an unsolicited birthday gift– a Kindle!  Thanks to God’s grace through my prior experience, I received it gratefully rather than worrying over why he spent so much.  When we were going to get engaged I thought we should save money and buy an opal ring but Sung really wanted to go all out and get me a diamond.  Again, I was able to keep my big mouth shut, remembering that I am not supposed to dictate how generous people can be towards me.  Anyway, we compromised… he got me both… haha.

Some other things of note happened during our engagement besides the purchasing of the ring.

I dealt with some guilt, worry, and fear about getting married.  One of the things I worried about was that it might be self fish.  I felt so loved and cared for in this relationship but perhaps I was more available to serve God as a single person.  I also felt bad about leaving a ministry I spent years investing in to move to Nebraska just so I could be happy in love.  I realized, then, that SUNG was a gift, a very generous gift, from the Lord.  Was I going to return this gift, as I did my mother’s offer of the coat, because I wanted to dictate how God was allowed to bless me?

The final big test came as we made wedding preparations.  People were SO generous with us.  The gifts flowed in for weeks– really, really nice, costly gifts.  More than that, people came around us with so much love and support.  We had friends give so generously of their time and talents, making and doing things for us to make our day beautiful and special.  I got to a point where I realized we could never repay all the kindness that was being show us, never even form the words to say a thank-you deep enough to express how we felt.  I reflected on the fact that as people gave us “gifts” of presents and time and talent– they really were just that– gifts.  All I could do was say thank-you, feel thank-you, and cherish them.

The broken receiver is really an issue of pride.  Am I able to receive without being able to repay?  And isn’t this the true story of the Gospel.  God has given to us far more than we ever can repay.  Yet, for people like me, it is so hard to receive.  I frequently find myself trying to earn the gift God has given me for free by focusing on the good I can do or how much bad I don’t do.

I have a lot to learn about the art of giving, MORE to learn about the art of receiving… good thing I married such a generous man!  I notice that Sung is not afraid to give because he knows he has enough.  With my eyes fixed on the grace that has poured out on me from Jesus, I am hoping loosen my grip on the resources flowing in and out of our household.

We moved!

Dear Friends,

Sung and I are happily (blissfully?) settled into our new home in Nebraska so I thought I’d share some highlights from the past month and a half…

1. We wed on September 1st, on a perfect summer day, amid many, many of our closest friends and family members, at Camp Wabanna.  Thank you to everyone who came out, supported us, made stuff for our wedding, and helped us!  We are so grateful to God for giving us such a great wedding and such a great support system.

2. I got to spend some time bonding with Sung’s family, visiting from Korea and Japan.  I have now tasted raw crab, raw eggs with rice, dried squid, and spicy peppers dipped in spicier pepper sauce.

3. Sung and I honeymooned at Myrtle Beach.  The week after Labor Day, the beach is still the beach, just minus the herds of small children. 😀

4. My roommates in Baltimore threw us an amazing going away karaoke party.  Neighbors came, sang to me, and also made me a Sandtown quilt to remember them by!  I will always remember my time there and I miss my old friends and neighbors so much!

5. Sung and I (with help from my family and roommates) loaded a little trailer completely packed to the brim with my stuff from Presstman Street.  It all fit… but it felt extremely heavy.

6. So heavy, in fact, that our next stop was the Howard County dump where we unloaded a couple hundred  pounds… basically all the stuff that Sung suggested I *didn’t* need to bring because it was old/falling apart/ easily replaced.

7. We drove for three days and wound up in Bellevue, Nebraska at Offutt Air Force Base!!!!  We found a perfect apartment not far from base, signed a lease, and moved our stuff in.

8. We found out Oliver needed up-to-date shot records before moving in.  When I called the shelter where I got him, I discovered his shots were expired.  Our first day in Bellevue, Oliver got rabies shots.  THEN we found out he also needed to be declawed or outfitted with “cat claws”– clear nail covers that go over his front nails.  We did choose the second option, but attaching those was a pretty traumatic experience for him as well…

9. Sung went back to work and found out he loves this base and his job here– everyone we have met seem very nice as well.

10. We found a great church, called Glad Tidings, to be a part of.  We also joined a small group

11. I got a part-time job working with foreign exchange students.  I am also tutoring ESL students in my free time.

12. We have had a chance to explore Bellevue and Omaha and we love it so far.  Some highlights include the Farmer’s Market in a cute neighborhood called Old Market, several craft breweries, the bike trail near our house (that goes all the way into Omaha), the field house on base where we can work out, some really great restaurants, and the mid-western hospitality.

Oh yeah– and the best part is being together everyday!  We are very happy, and learning so much about each other since we’ve been married.  Hopefully, now that we are settled, I will be able to update more regularly about our lives and all of the pondering I have been doing since I have so much time alone to think now…. isn’t that something to look forward to haha!

We love you all and are happy to sign off as….

The Hwangs

What I Learned About About Homemaking from A Book About Sex

Ok, shameless false advertising in the title.  It was actually a CHAPTER on sex in Tim and Kathy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage.  But I digress.

This has been a bit of a tough week for me from the hours of 7am- 4:30pm.  I’m visiting Sung, which is supposed to be perfect since we are in love and in Europe, but those are the hours he goes to work.  I planned to get my practice in at being a housewife, which is what I will be, at least when we first start out in Nebraska.  I planned to have a very organized meal plan and check list and accomplish so much stuff that I would never fear boredom and  get months ahead at wedding planning.

The problem is, I forgot that I get so ridiculously lonely when I don’t even have my cat to talk to for a whole day.  And, I was tired.  I spent the week becoming gradually less hard on myself, taking more naps, and finally making the connection that all of the crazy thoughts of worry and doubt were only a result of being left alone with my own thoughts for too long and not the indicators of any actual problems.

All of this is well and good, and excellent practice at some coping strategies for the first few weeks in Nebraska, but it was not enough.  There was a sense of failure and distress in the fact that, finally having a “normal” life with Sung, getting to cook his dinner every day and kissing rather than skpying him good night, was NOT making me happy.  And I found this thought to be staggering and very scary.

Then, I was reading the sex chapter in the Kellers’ marriage book.  They talked about having problems with sex in their marriage when one would leave the experience feeling unsatisfied.  This put pressure on each of them to “perform” and made it very difficult to enjoy.  A crucial shift came when they came to view sex as a way to serve one another.  Suddenly, sex was not “what am I getting?” but “what am I giving?”

Isn’t all of love, and all types of love, like this?  When we enter into any part of love with the question “what am I getting?” we are bound to come up short.  The answer will always be- not enough.  As humans, we never do feel completely satisfied for long, especially when self-satisfaction is what we seek.  Did I come here so that I could feel content with the amount I accomplished, check off enough boxes from my to-do list, and make Sung’s co-workers jealous because he had the best lunches?  I came here to love this man.  That experience will never satisfy me if I’m expecting the primary benefactor to be me.

But I’ll tell you what…. living with the needs of others ahead of your own is a sure way to get some real satisfaction and fast.

Pasta in Love

I’ve been following this Korean drama called “Pasta” since Christmas.

Today I finally watched the final episode.  In it, the girl pictured above, takes what I considered to be a MAJOR set back by choosing a relatively new relationship over a scholarship to an elite, three year cooking program in Italy.

How ironic for me to think that taking a career hit for a relatively new relationship is a set back.  I quit my job so I could marry Sung, after knowing him less than a year.  I am leaving my dream ministry in the city, after being party of it for 7 years, to follow him into the middle of Nebraska.  And I feel like I am gaining by doing so.

Why is it, then, that I am so quit to jump to the conclusion that, for a young woman, love over career is a bad choice?  I think a big part of it comes from the time period in which I grew up.  After women worked so hard to gain rights in the Feminist movement, expectations for women grew to match new opportunities.  In my youth I really sensed that, as a woman, it was important for me to do what was best for ME so that I could live up to my potential.  I have felt guilty, in the past, if I let others get in the way of my potential.

But, there is a problem with this mentality, which I am not claiming to be any kind of accurate representation of the feminist movement… rather, just my own small internalized interpretation that trickled into my girlhood.  However, this view does not in any way align with my faith, which is centered on the principles of “love God, love your neighbors”.

The two concepts didn’t really seem so much at odds before I met Sung.  I usually found ways to manage both.  Now, however, when I find myself making a sacrifice for him, or changing something about my plan to suit his needs, a loud voice inside me still says “You can’t do that for a A MAN!”  Never mind that that man is going to be my husband.  But the truth is, voice in my head, I can no longer make any decisions just for myself.  Everything I do effects another person, now, because  I have chosen to intertwine my life with his.

So, back to Pasta.  I really thought the guy should have told her to go anyway.  I asked Sung, wouldn’t he want me to go?  He said no. I couldn’t believe he said no!  I wanted him to say yes, especially since it was a hypothetical situation and was not going to happen since I’m not a Korean student of Italian cuisine who just won a scholarship to Italy.  Trust me– I WOULD NOT WIN THAT SCHOLARSHIP!

But if we do not make sacrifices of large proportions for romantic love– does it ever stand a chance? I think, all these years, I have spent so much energy bracing myself to not throw everything away for the wrong guy, I am critical of women ever throwing anything away for any guy.  I forget that, like for me, there eventually can be a right guy.

I’m still not quite sure what Seo Yoo-kyung should have done.  Why don’t you watch it and you can tell me… Pasta Trailer